“I hear you GOD…”
This morning was cool – there was some light fog as I peered out the window at the rubber plantation… The sun was absent and it’s warmth wasn’t felt yet at this hour. It was the early part of six am and my partner was still fast asleep. The cocks had been crowing for an hour at least – that I remember. I must have woken around five-ish.
In that relative calm… that stillness of morning God came to me with what I think to be the most important instructions ever. He said, “Jerry, get some paper and write down these, my NEW commandments”.
I said, “Lord, are there many or few?”
He replied, “A few to me may be many to you.”
And so I got a whole notebook… these are the NEW COMMANDMENTS as he told me this morning at approximately 6:10 am, 28 December 2006.
1. Do not abbreviate the year as 06. It is 2006 for a reason. It reminds more people that “IAM” that reason.
2. I am the LORD your GOD, NUMBER ONE, and every other number, and you must not have any other God before me OR after me. If you encounter someone that believes THEY know the real GOD and it is not “I” then you must use whatever means necessary to annihilate them, piece and parcel. Small and large caliber weapons, mortar fire, Chinese killing traps, starvation, and whatnot. Whatever means NECESSARY (he stressed this word).
Now, BEFORE you kill them there is something you must do…
With the accused on looking, begin removing ALL televisions, radios, computers, PDAs, cell phones, external hard disks, CDROMS, DVD ROMS, IPODS, ZUNES — if you can find any, digital and tape recorders, camcorders, digital cameras, and gameboys from their residence and burning them in a pile in the front of their house not JUST for their benefit, but so that all others may know that I am the lord your GOD and no efforts will be spared to secure that position.
my comments: In a sense, he told me, electronic gadgets have become our secondary GODs. We give our time to them like we would have given to our children before their invention.
3. Electronic gadgets ARE THE ANTICHRIST! (He was audibly enraged when he stated this one.) Give to me what is mine and give to your families and children what is rightfully theirs. Give me PRAISE and give TIME to your families and children. This is the word of the LORD your GOD.
my comments: This one is going to be tough. What else are we going to do all day? Talk to our kids? Make small talk with our partners? Plant a tree?
4. DO NOT KILL! Except… *If you need to eat something and there is nothing else. *If you have been threatened with deadly force. *If you are enforcing one of my other commandments that contradicts this one.
*Euthanasia is OK *Capital punishment is OK if, after you’ve prayed about it, you still feel good about carrying it out.
5. Do NOT EAT shellfish, crabs, oysters, or the fishes of the sea or freshwater for a period of 19 years. These resources need to be allowed to replenish themselves or there will be none for my future worshippers.
my comments: This one’s not so bad… look at it as a gift you’ll get in 19 years – as much as you can eat seafood buffets open all over the planet. It will be worth the wait…
6. Sleep with your neighbor’s wife if it’s OK with him, however, realize that what is permissible BY me is not permissible FOR me. Do not do it in my name, but do it out of uncontrollable lust and deprivation which exist because I made them exist.
my comments: GOD seems aware of the catch 22’s that exist…
7. Eat that which has any typed feet. Hoofed, Cloven, Snarled, and Clubbed. However, those of you that eat that which HATH NOT feet will be, along with 3 successive and 2 preceding generations of your blood, relegated to sucking slugs out of cracks between rocks in HELL because you did not OBEY the lord, your compassionate and perfectly fair GOD.
my comments: snails, slugs, snakes, fish, sea cucumbers, sea horses, tadpoles, etc…
8. Your FIRSTBORN is sacred. Your second and third, equally so. The fourth is excess and the fifth and subsequent are abominations to the Lord your God and you must put them in a room in solitude and not show them love. For by not showing them love you are lavishing love upon me. This is the word of the Lord your GOD.
9. Do not eat especially that which is healthy, that which brings longer life. Do not exercise to extend your life. Do not take medicine that lengthens your life on earth. Do you not know that I will adorn you to greater lengths than Solomon in all his splendor? In your earthly death I am adorning you with the gifts of heaven in the blink of an eye. Life on earth is nothing special. Stop asking so many questions about it. If I wanted you to live longer you would live a couple of millennia. Is that what you want? Be careful what you ASK FOR!
my comments: GOD was getting perturbed as he stated this commandment. I can sense that there are QUITE a few things that are irking him about our present day behavior. He was well composed during most of his oration today, but just a couple of times I know he was sweating with rage and holding it back.
10. Kiss the POPE’s ring or any of the Bishops’ rings and you’ll KISS away the kingdom of heaven. I am a jealous GOD and you’ll have no other GODs before me, not even the Pope.
11. Start giving money to SOMEONE for SOME good reason. If you have extra to spend a few thousand on cigarettes and alcohol then you’ve got enough extra to put off the NEW ELECTRONICS. Find someone that needs it and give them some CASH today.
12. My FINAL commandment is that you stop praying. Praying is fruitless. I neither hear you nor act on your wishes, no matter how heartfelt. No matter how long you pray the pray the same thing. The world is made and FINISHED. There are not updates to it. Instead, I choose to bring YOU up to date with the latest commandments. The world with it’s physical laws, laws of genetics, math, and the doubling of speed of processors every 18 months is NEVER going to change. LIVE WITH IT. That is my will. Stop praying!
13. MY FINAL COMMANDMENT is… I am always the WINNER. If you are the winner, then, I am the winner too. But, if I am the winner, I AM THE ONLY WINNER.
my comments: AMEN!