Laying in bed this morning and AGAIN waiting for something – anything from God.
And nothing. Nothing at all. Not even a feeling about what is going on – how it feels about me. Nothing.
Usually I can at least tell – what is God thinking about me now – is it positive or egative? Today as for thelast 5 days or so – I’ve felt nothing and heard nothing. Like one of those stupid monkey displays.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil… I had a soccer coach in high school that was so cruel that he used to do very bad stuff to us. Then, he would tell us… “what you see here… what you hear here… what is said here… and done here… stays here, when you leave here.”
And so everytime I see those stupid monkeys I remember that and I remember running 16 times around a .9 mile field because I told coach I didn’t feel so great to practice that day. Or, I remember holding a half-pushup position until my body spasmed and gave out repeatedly… and he was there to gripe me out in front of the team. Not pleasant… but, multiply that by 7 or 10 to arrive at my present condition of aggravation and absence of understanding.
Imagine your father suddenly not talking to you. No wait, many fathers don’t talk as it is. Imagine, your mom not talking to you for 5 days. What happens? You feel unloved. You feel like you did something wrong. You feel like maybe she found something in your pocket or in your underwear drawer that you should NOT have had in there.
Imagine that feeling. And then – multiply that by 4 or 5 to arrive at something that approaches what I’m going through now. I’m not bitter – yet- or maybe I’m getting bitter today. This is not how friends treat each other – and what better friend than God? What better relationship could I have with someone else than with God? Is this what happens with close relationships?
Is God TESTING me? If so – I think I’m on the way to failing because there isn’t much I haven’t thought of already. My mind is running willy-nilly as my mom used to say. I have ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder. I scored 300% of baseline on the test instrument. So – when I say my mind is running WILLY NILLY I mean it’s like an ass’s tail fastened to a long antenna on a rednecks truck. Flip flopping flying all over the place. That is a metaphor for my mind… this way and that… flipping flopping… ah, you get the picture I’m sure.
So – I’m trying to keep a little reign on this thing – like a leash of some sort and so I’m using meditation. I had heard about meditation many years ago back when my brother was doing it and I told him it was Satan’s work. The devil will find work for idle hands to do… and basically during meditation you might as well be dead… you’re as idle as one can get. The mind even slows down.
So – that’s working for me a little bit.
Wish I could hear something from God… Wish I could get one sign that at least I didn’t do something WRONG, you know? Is that wrong?
Anyway, I will keep waking up. Keep meditating… keep typing something every so often.
OH! I almost forgot my new plan! See – I really do have ADD!
The new plan is this. When I wake up I relax… even if God DOES start talking to me. Maybe I’ll meditate or something until I”M READY to hear what it’s saying. I cannot be a puppet anymore – my counselor told me. My counselor has a PHD from Kentucky State and though it’s not a great school he seems to understand what’s going on pretty well. He listens VERY well. Better than I do anyway.
So – my plan is – let God know when I’m ready. That way, I’m less stressed out and that way God is less stressed at my seeming incompetence, which is really my “unreadiness” the counselor says. So, when I’m ready – God, GO! When I’m not ready – there’s no point in starting. Lets see if this is something to make God reconsider and talk to me again. It’s a start anyway. Gotta try SOMETHING.
Blessed be as Blessed WAS,